Thursday, August 31, 2006

Giving up Planning

I just gave up on – planning.

It is absurd. It’s alright as long as you do it as a play, but it does not remain playful too long.

I remember, I never planned when I was sane, when I was in college and had no time, when I loved every moment of my existence. I started planning as I got hurled into a windowless office, and wishing every moment about the day when I can get out. That madness got me into planning.

I don’t mean that I never thought about future before I got stuck in an office. That would have been irresponsible. But I never planned, I dreamt – of playing cricket in Eden Gardens, of writing a great novel, of making my mother immensely proud, of seeing my eternally cynical teachers startled by my success – sort of. I could not have planned for these. So, I dreamt.

These dreams appear less absurd than my plans. For a start, I was not trying to run away from the present when I dreamt, I loved it – all of it – its lightness, its temporariness, and its possibilities. I was logical in thinking of conquering the world. I did not limit my possibilities. I felt the power in me, I trusted myself – and I lived in dreams.

The plans, on the other hand, were absurd. Or, may be, they were not my type. I made them to run away from the present. I lost faith in myself. I started believing that every moment is eternal, they keep coming back and hence must have the same pattern, and hence there is a point in planning. I planned to change the present, and assumed that the present is eternal, and gave up on dreaming.

Wise men tried to persuade that I should not give up planning altogether. I need both – dreaming and planning – they are what-s and how-s of the future. They are right, they ought to be, but they forgot to mention a few things. For example, dreaming pulls you to future, while planning pegs you back in present – the reviled present. Dreaming is about possibilities, planning is about limitations. And, I must not forget – if you think you can, you can – limitations are to be encountered and dealt with, not to be imagined and get scared of.

So, from today, I gave up planning. I shall follow the elemental myself; the cloak I put on ever since I lost faith on dreams will go now. I planned transforming myself all this while, but now the transformed me must give up planning.

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