Sunday, June 15, 2008

Next 100 Days

I have been writing this blog for last three years, and this has been the place to come to when I felt like writing. I have never taken it seriously [despite proclaiming to do so], but posted endless essays on complex subjects with a 'know-all' pretension, which I seldom display in real life. I suspect this is my hidden desire to be seen as a learned man that made me write, though in person, I am too painfully aware of my shortcomings and hence, more often than not, I keep my mouth shut.

I must admit there was another reason behand starting to write this blog. Then, I just read Julia Margaret Cameron's 'Artists' Way' and wanted to follow her trechniques to 'unblock' the writer in me. Well, yes, that's a clear admission of pretension, but I did believe [and still do] is that I can make the million dollars I want to make by writing. You may call this delusional, but I reached this conclusion from the other end of reasoning. I realized that I am hopeless as an employee, too temparamental and creative, to be ever considered a star in any organization. I want to be an entrepreneur, but I am also too fickle, and doubt whether I have the necessary tenacity and ruthlessness to succeed in today's business world. I also lack, completely, the easy self-assurance that a consultant should bring to table; I am rather full of self-doubt, more like an always inquisitive academician. I never buy lottery tickets, and given up on the hope of making it to Indian Test Cricket Team more than three decades back. But I would still want to make a million dollars, and as one can see, I don't have much option left.

However, as with most self-respecting individuals, it is time for me to call the bluff and do something real. This blog almost shows my character, wondering around - I was right about calling myself a 'traveller' - and I am feeling that I have reached that critical stage in my life when I must focus and do one thing well. Well, I said that before, as one can point out, but with every passing day, that agenda is becoming ever more urgent.

Of course, my life does not [yet] allow me the luxury of changing course one fine morning, as I wish. There are 'promises to keep'. I have treated these various commitments so far like an excuse - always diverted my focus in order to do something that I promised/ intended to do in the days of wondering around. It is becoming increasingly important that I get onto the doing mode, and while I keep the promises, I never never take my eyes off the ball again.

So, I shall try. I have set up an agenda for personal transformation for next 100 days. This is supposed to change everything - right from how I look to what I do, what I write in this blog, how I deal with other people, and what I ultimately do. I am planning to live a fairly regimented life, focused on promises to keep, and curb my usual nature. I am planning to practise humility [how vain is that statement, but how true] and not pretend I know the problems of Hillary Clinton, Gordon Brown and India. Well, I am painfully aware that I need to solve my problems first. I know I shall still be angry and sad, I shall still dream and plan, be nostalgic and be ambitious, but in the next 100 days, I shall keep reminding myself that I need to DO, not THINK.

Meanwhile, I shall turn this blog into a personal diary. Of my experiments with focus and a regimented life. Trust me, I have never lived a regimented life, never focused. I remember the exams I gave - always last minute, always passed, but that is more due to my intelligent guesses than my knowledge. I was happy about it - I used to boast that I could guess entire Modern Economics to get a decent pass in my post-graduation - but last four years in Britain has taught me that this is not enough. I really need to aim for the top, because nothing else really makes sense.

1 comment:

Praveen said...

all the very best :)

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