Monday, May 18, 2009
Private Notes: Finding A Direction
I am all set to travel this week after almost six weeks, if we discount the travels to Ireland. This is also going to be one of my last trips to India in my current job. I am hoping to conclude a deal to sell our centre in Hyderabad and if that happens, though I have initially committed to stay on till end August, I may want to prepone that date and leave earlier. May be by 31st July! That will make me happy.
The point is I am not enjoying what I am doing any more. Hence, this day-to-day business is hard to keep up with. This has happened for quite some time now - I have told my colleagues about my decision to leave back in November and serving an almost one year long notice period - and progressively it is becoming difficult for me to keep my focus. More difficult is to sell at this time, knowing in my head that I shall not be around when these sales come to fruition. It is not about the commission because I actually don't get anything upfront, but also the involvement - business franchise sale is a very involved sale and often the franchise sells on my personal credential than anything else.
I shall indeed keep this note private, but recording my thoughts at this moment are indeed very interesting. I did play with the idea of continuing with the job, but I am sure this would not work out. There is a deep cultural chasm that we are unable to bridge and besides, given the speculative nature of most of the investments of the main promoter, I don't see much of a synergy between what I want to achieve and what he is setting out to do. I am more matured now than in 1999, and something in me tells me that this isn't going to work out.
Why I am in a hurry to leave is that I have a clear feeling that I am wasting time. I came to Britain to learn and to expand my horizon. But neither is happening now, and I am wasting my time and effort in a speculative enterprise in the middle of a bad recession. I am going nowhere as I am doing what I used to do 10 years back, and my work will be largely unappreciated unless this generates fast money, something that can be attained only by skulduggery and deceit. And, yes, indeed, I am not staking myself here because I am no longer convinced about the business concept.
The question that I am asking myself at this time whether I am being dishonest by staying on. I mean, I am taking the salary but not giving 100%, and besides, my ideas - the key contribution I make to any job - now needs to be channelled to what I am planning to do next, not what I am doing now. However, considering that I am enduring a lot of trouble myself, this extension of stay is more because I wish to fulfill my end of the bargain than anything else. I actually severely disadvantage myself by delaying the job search in a rapidly deteriorating market, but I guess this is part of my behaving responsibly, whatever others may think.
I am being asked what I do next, and now, I have arrived at an answer, more or less. I have briefly considered a job offer from a software company, but I do think jobs are very limiting and I may not want to be in another job again. I am exploring independent career options and entrepreneurship, though it is rather risky environment to do so.
I am seriously considering devoting another year to study marketing and technology. I am considering full time study, indeed - because this will allow me to focus on what I have to do. I know it is a bit late in life, and yes, a bit crazy, but I have always done crazy things and survived so far. I do think as long as I am realistic and have a plan in my head, being crazy is not so bad after all.
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How To Live
"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the grey twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat."
- Theodore Roosevelt
- Theodore Roosevelt
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
- T S Eliot
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